Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Funny Baseball Cards and Silly Captions, Volume 2


“For their American Pie card of Darrell Evans, Topps decided to be like your annoying relative who makes a point of dredging up some embarrassing old picture of you such as this one of the former Atlanta Braves third baseman going through his awkward pink-tinted glasses phase.”



“Don’t piss off the card manufacturer because they always get the last laugh.”
What on Earth did Joe Oliver ever do to Donruss?  Maybe whoever green-lighted this ridiculous card was a big Oakland Athletics or Dennis Eckersley fan.  After all, it was Oliver's walk-off hit against "Eck" that won Game 2 of the 1990 World Series for the Cincinnati Reds en route to their unexpected sweep over the heavily-favored Athletics.



“During his four seasons with the White Sox, department stores in Chicago had three sizes in their Big and Tall section: XXL, XXXL, and Luzinski.”



“Veteran Charlie Hough knew pitching for the expansion Florida Marlins would be detrimental to his career win/loss record but the lure of shuffleboard, bingo, and early bird specials was just a little too much to resist.”



“I guess Topps’ idea of “In Action” was standing pigeon-toed and staring up at the sun.”
Vida Blue had one the most memorable windups of any pitcher which would have made for a perfect “In Action” shot but instead the young hurler is shown awkwardly gazing at a pop up.



“Of course, the one night Seattle Mariners manager Chuck Cottier finally agrees to go on an all-night drinking binge with wild outfielder Gorman Thomas and wouldn’t you know, Topps was there the following morning to snap his picture for his 1985 card.”



“I shudder to think what cruel prank Dave Kingman has played on some poor, unsuspecting soul to have cracked this much of a smile.”
Kingman is remembered for being a one-dimensional slugger who hit towering home runs but struggled defensively, rarely walked, and struck out regularly while posting low batting averages.  Kingman is also notorious for the cruel prank he played on Sacramento Bee reporter Susan Fornoff. In June 1986, while playing for the Oakland Athletics, Kingman sent Fornoff a corsage box with a live rat inside.  The incident led to upper management souring on Kingman and was a major reason the club opted not to re-sign the slugger the following season.



“According to Donruss, the Oakland Athletics are a National League team.”
Willie McGee was dealt across leagues from the National League St. Louis Cardinals to the American League Oakland Athletics on August 29, 1990.  At the time of the trade, McGee’s .335 batting average was the second-highest in the NL, trailing only Lenny Dykstra’s .340.  McGee’s bat cooled in the AL, hitting just .274 with Oakland to finish the season with an overall .324 average.  Nevertheless, with 542 plate appearances before the trade, McGee had accumulated more than the required 502 to qualify for the batting title.  Dykstra struggled in the season’s final weeks to finish at .325 while Eddie Murray and Dave Magadan challenged McGee’s .335 mark but fell shy at .330 and .328, respectively.  Thus, McGee’s .335 average proved to be enough to secure him the NL batting title despite his overall .324 average being just sixth-best in baseball.  McGee’s .324 mark trailed not only Murray, Magadan, and Dykstra from the NL but the respective .329 and .325 averages of AL leaders George Brett and Rickey Henderson.  Ironically, Murray’s .330 mark led all of baseball but did not result in a batting crown for the veteran slugger.

Actually, based on the back of the card, which acknowledges McGee won the NL batting title while finishing the year in the AL, I suspect that Donruss may have been having some fun by using a photo of McGee in an A’s rather than a Cardinals jersey.



“A lot of people forget Hunter S. Thompson also wrote “Fear and Loathing in French Canada.”
In this forgotten novel, Montreal Expos third baseman Sean Berry has a seven-minute conversation with Curt Schilling’s talking fastball which tells him his destiny is to defeat the New York Yankees in the 1994 World Series and save the Expos franchise.  Another memorable passage involves Berry standing atop Olympic Stadium attempting to sign autographs for a family of French-speaking pigeons.  Sadly, the novel ends with a confused and world-weary Berry operating a fruit stand in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico after the season-ending baseball strike derails his plans.



“Unfortunately, Texas Rangers rookie pitcher Mike Loynd was not available to be photographed for his Topps card but luckily Wax Figure Mike Loynd was.”



“Things got so bad for the White Sox in the early ‘80s that the club started signing fantasy camp players such as this proctologist from Peoria.”



“I sure wish I could have been part of the 3rd grade class Topps put in charge of airbrushing their 1973 set.”


----by John Tuberty

Follow me on Twitter @BloggerTubbs


Additional Articles from the Funny Baseball Cards and Silly Comments Series:

Other Articles by Tubbs Baseball Blog: