Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Funny Baseball Cards and Silly Captions, Volume 1


"Who wore the snake better, Britney Spears or Glenn Hubbard?"
Definitely Britney, though Hubbard does close the gap with his glorious beard and fantastic Atlanta Braves road jersey.




“A ball, a bat, and a pose...and just like that Kevin Mitchell had the beginnings of his idea for the selfie stick.”




“Matthew McConaughey saw this card and wanted to play Greg Harris in a movie—until he found out he was a little known middle reliever.”
Greg Harris’ lengthy major league career spanned from 1981 to 1995, during which time the hurler bounced back and forth between the starting rotation and bullpen.  Harris’ ability to work as a swingman who could start or relieve gave his teams a flexible option on the roster.  Yet, because Harris never was a front-line starter and only briefly worked as a closer, his career is somewhat forgotten.  However, a unique talent possessed by the right-handed pitching Harris was his ability to also pitch left-handed.  In fact by 1986, the ambidextrous Harris felt confident enough to alternate arms while pitching but was unable to convince his managers to allow him to do so in an actual game.  Finally in 1995, during the penultimate game of Harris’ career, Montreal Expos manager Felipe Alou gave Harris the opportunity to alternate arms during a relief appearance and thus the veteran hurler became the first switch-pitcher in over a century.  I guess that means you could describe Harris as an “ambidextrous swingman.”  Hmm...maybe we can get Matthew McConaughey to play Harris in a movie.




"I think it’s unfortunate that they cut the scene out of Friends where we find out Joey Tribbiani's Uncle Sal was the one who taught him the correct way to say 'How YOU doin’?’"




“Does having my sports car and my Gold Glove Awards on my baseball card make me look shallow?”
Yes.
Omar Vizquel is a very polarizing Hall of Fame candidate.  The more analytically-inclined scoff at Vizquel's 45.6 career WAR while his supporters point to his 2,877 career hits and 11 Gold Gloves at shortstop.  I consider myself to be more analytically-inclined yet I don't really have a strong opinion for or against Vizquel's Hall of Fame case.  However, after seeing the absolutely pimp-tastic shirt the former shortstop is wearing on this card, I'm convinced--Vizquel needs to be unanimously elected on the next ballot and should recreate the setting of this card for the backdrop of his Hall of Fame induction speech.  Between the bright yellow car, the Gold Gloves on the hood, and the mesmerizing shirt, Vizquel looks like the irresponsible playboy son of a billionaire.




“Wipe that goofy grin off your face, you and your 4.04 ERA didn’t deserve those 21 wins.”
Speaking of polarizing candidates, Jack Morris’ Hall of Fame candidacy brought out all kinds of acrimony between sabermetric and traditional types.  As with Vizquel, I never had a strong opinion about whether or not Morris belonged in Cooperstown.  However, I do remember, as a child back in 1992, rooting against Morris winning 20 games with an ERA over 4.00.  Back then, pitcher wins meant more so 20 victories was the ultimate symbol of pitching excellence while having an ERA over 4.00 meant you were a lousy pitcher or at the very least had a poor season.  Despite his high ERA, Morris not only reached the 20-win plateau but also tied for the AL lead with 21.  When Morris’ 1993 Topps came out, the front of the card featured the veteran hurler sporting a goofy look on his face while his league-leading 21 victories were italicized in bold red on the back—both of which just seemed to rub in the fact that in spite of his 4.04 ERA, he had reached the pitching milestone.  Fast forward two and half decades later and Morris was elected to the Hall of Fame despite his pedestrian career 3.90 ERA, the highest mark for any enshrined pitcher.




“Sometimes the best way to beat the other team is to not beat yourself.”
It’s pretty shameful that Topps used this embarrassing shot of Ventura for a set marketed to children.




“When the Orioles played Kris Kross on the PA, Billy Ripken had no choice but to...Jump Jump.”




"Kmart was an early supporter for the DH in the National League."
Obviously, the person Kmart put in charge of their Superstars set knew very little about baseball.  Not only does Kmart classify Pedro Guerrero as a designated hitter but also lists him as being a pinch hitter—failing to understand the difference between the two roles.  In addition, AL sluggers Fred McGriff and Mark McGwire as well as NL slugger Glenn Davis are also classified as DH/PH even though they were each regular first baseman.  Curiously, the Kmart set has AL first baseman Don Mattingly and NL first baseman Will Clark both listed at their correct defensive position.  It’s hard to believe Topps signed off on this set with these obvious errors.




“Was Encino Man his teammate?”




“You think managing in Philly takes a toll on someone? Paul Owens was just 59 years old when this picture was taken...”




“I just realized Bruce Bochte was the Tusken Raider Sand People Thing that attacked Luke Skywalker in Star Wars.”


----by John Tuberty

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