“If you had the misfortune of buying the Drake’s Cakes box
that contained Greg Luzinski’s card, all you found inside, aside from the image
of the rotund slugger, were a few crumbs and a bunch of empty devil dog
wrappers.”
“Hello, Bryce Harper. You can work on your hair All
Night Long but it will never be as Truly fabulous as Rod Carew’s
Lionel Richie look from the early 80s.”
“Sure everyone remembers Chase Utley breaking Ruben Tejeda’s
leg with a violent take out slide but don’t forget Roberto Alomar’s diving head
butt into poor Ron Oester’s groin.”
“This mullet-sporting, free-swinging, power hitter didn’t
feel his name fit him, so at age 18, Stacy Puserman became Rob Deer.”
“I bet you didn’t realized your history teacher Mr. Gross
& science teacher Mr. Hairston moonlighted as major league pinch hitters in
their spare time.”
Aside from being studious looking ballplayers who wore
glasses, Greg Gross and Jerry Hairston also had a few other similarities. Gross and Hairston were two of the most
prolific pinch hitters during their careers which, coincidentally, each spanned
from 1973 to 1989. In fact, Gross ranks
fifth all-time with 143 pinch hits while Hairston collected 90 in his
career. Both Gross and Hairston were
patient hitters which enabled them to post solid career OBP marks of .372 and
.362, respectively. However, another
similarity they shared was their lack of longball power as each were well into
their careers before they finally hit their first major league home runs. Indeed, it took Gross 1891 plate appearances
before his initial round-tripper in 1977.
Hairston also homered for the first time during the 1977 season, with
his long overdue blast coming on his 833rd trip to the plate. After finally leaving the yard, Gross
continued to be one of the game’s least prolific home run hitters—adding just 6
more over the remaining 2,464 plate appearances of his career. By contrast, Hairston developed more power,
hitting 29 homers in the 1,190 plate appearances after his first longball.
“Presidential candidates such as Bill Clinton and George
Bush jogging in short shorts to prove they were in shape was a recurring theme
of the 1992 race. What looks like a
Spring Training workout or an outtake from a Slim-Fast commercial is actually
Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tom Lasorda preparing Gary Carter, Kevin Gross,
John Candelaria, and Orel Hershiser to be part of his secret service
detail. Fortunately, Lasorda put his
presidential aspirations on hold and thus spared us the sight of seeing him in
short shorts.”
“Alright boys and girls, it’s trivia time:
Jerry Don Gleaton is the name of:
A. The gunman in a failed assassination attempt on Mr.
Belvedere
B. The owner and spokesman of Jerry Don Gleaton
Chevrolet—Your Number One Chevy Dealer in the Tri-County Area!
C. A middle reliever who wore his pants a little too high
D. The name of the serial killer in a never before released
film starring Bob Saget
E. All of the above
The correct answer is....
C!....or actually it could be E, I can’t be 100% sure. Ya know, on second thought I think Gleaton
may also be a math teacher at the same school as Greg Gross and Jerry
Hairston.”
“The photographer who took this unflattering picture of
Sonny Siebert later became one of those paparazzi photographers who waits in
the airport to take candid shots of celebrities as they come back from a 5am
red-eye flight. His career was going
well until a crazed Alec Baldwin tackled him through a Dippin’ Dots stand.”
“Hey Brock, you run like you got a piano on your back!”
“McCarver! Tell your Mom to quit calling me!!!”
“Boyer! What’s wrong?!? Did ya crack your uterus again?!?”
Back in the 1960’s, managerial searches were sometimes
conducted by scouring the stands for the loudest, most obnoxious heckler. For the St. Louis Cardinals, this strategy
worked as Johnny Keane led the club to an unlikely World Series victory over
the powerhouse New York Yankees in 1964.
“When the director of Jurassic Park decided against having
live actors play Tyrannous Rex and other dinosaurs, Jim Roland’s acting career
came to an abrupt end.”
----by John
Tuberty
Follow my blog
on the Twitter @BloggerTubbs
Sources: Baseball Reference
Additional
Cards Used: Rod Carew 1984 Topps AL
Active Career Hit Leaders & 1984 Topps AL Active Career Batting Leaders;
Bryce Harper 2013 Topps & 2015 Topps Stadium Club; Greg Gross 1989 Fleer,
1985 Topps, & 1988 Topps; Jerry Hairston 1983 Donruss, 1986 Fleer, &
1988 Topps
More Articles from the Funny Baseball
Cards and Silly Captions Series:
Other (More Serious) Articles by Tubbs
Baseball Blog:
