Sunday, July 21, 2019

Funny Baseball Cards and Silly Captions, Volume 4: 2019 Hall of Fame Induction Edition

This volume’s theme is for the 2019 Hall of Fame induction and includes cards of new and existing Hall of Famers

“After seeing this Eddie Murray card, Tim Burton got the idea for Eddie Cartoonhands which he eventually turned into Edward Scissorhands.”

“Lance Bass didn’t need to try and pay the Russians to get him up in space, all he needed was one good swing from Houston Astros slugger Jeff Bagwell.”

“I can’t make up my mind whether it’s worse that Bobby Grich drew just 2.6% of the vote in his sole appearance on the Hall of Fame ballot or that Donruss positioned their card so it looks like he’s crapping out the California Angels logo.”

“In the late 80s a lot of hitters were victims of “Niekrophilia”, that’s when a 147-year old pitcher strikes you out with a 42-mile per hour knuckleball.”

“You don’t think I belong in the Hall of Fame.  Ok, well what’s your career WAR, egghead?”

“Chipper Jones’ heart was torn in June 1990:  should he sign with the Atlanta Braves who drafted him with the 1st overall pick of the Amateur Draft or should he change his name to Parker and join his Abercrombie & Fitch co-workers, Preston, Ryder, and Ethan to spell out and form the boy-band PREP.”

“You sure these pants aren’t too baggy?”
-“Nah, Buddy.  You look ‘Saved by the Bell’ cool.”
Abercrombie & Fitch Employee of the Month Chipper would say anything to make a sale—even to a fellow baseball prospect.  Mariano ultimately got his revenge, beating Jones in both the 1996 and 1999 World Series and becoming the BBWAA’s first unanimous Hall of Fame selection.”

“If the 1998 home run chase is the symbol of the “Steroid Era,” than George Brett’s quest to hit .400 in 1980 was the symbol of the “Hemorrhoid Era.”

“A little known fact about Reggie’s unsuccessful assassination attempt on Queen Elizabeth II during his disastrous comeback with the 1988 California Angels is that it was actually not his first try at taking out the monarch.  Turns out the slugger actually was supposed to take aim at the Queen during an Oakland Athletics home game that was part of the head of state’s itinerary for her 1975 visit to the Bay Area.  Fortunately, the Queen had to cancel plans to attend the ball game due to an unfortunate heckling incident involving the Duke of Atholl and some crazed Oakland Raiders fans at the football game the day before.”

“Mr. Lasorda...I’m a huge fan...can I please have your auto—“
“—Hey pal, ya gonna eat the rest of that corn dog?!?”
Ladies and gentlemen, this card shows us that making positive changes in your lifestyle at whatever age is a wise decision.  It’s been about three decades since Tom Lasorda went on his Slim Fast-fueled diet and transformed himself from being the Los Angeles Dodgers roly-poly manager to a much leaner and healthier version of himself.  In a stark contrast from his 1987 card, Lasorda is pictured jogging with his players on his 1992 Topps.  Lasorda, who turned 91 last September 22, is the oldest living Baseball Hall of Famer.

“Damn...they got a curse here too?”
After years playing for a Chicago Cubs franchise supposedly doomed by a billy goat, Lee Smith thought with his trade to the Boston Red Sox he wouldn’t have to worry about curses, hexes, and other superstitions.

“Somehow I doubt that Bryce Harper, Yasiel Puig or any of the “Let the Kids Play” Generation would have bat-flipped on either of these guys.
Bob Gibson and Don Drysdale were two of the most intimidating pitchers in the history of the game.  Gibson and Drysdale wouldn’t hesitate to brushback, knock down, or even throw at a hitter if their mood suited it.  Sadly, Gibson was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  Let’s pray for a speedy recovery for the legendary Cardinals hurler.

----by John Tuberty

Follow Tubbs Baseball Blog on Twitter @BloggerTubbs

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Saturday, June 29, 2019

Funny Baseball Cards and Silly Captions, Volume 3

“If you had the misfortune of buying the Drake’s Cakes box that contained Greg Luzinski’s card, all you found inside, aside from the image of the rotund slugger, were a few crumbs and a bunch of empty devil dog wrappers.”

Hello, Bryce Harper. You can work on your hair All Night Long but it will never be as Truly fabulous as Rod Carew’s Lionel Richie look from the early 80s.”

“Sure everyone remembers Chase Utley breaking Ruben Tejeda’s leg with a violent take out slide but don’t forget Roberto Alomar’s diving head butt into poor Ron Oester’s groin.”

“This mullet-sporting, free-swinging, power hitter didn’t feel his name fit him, so at age 18, Stacy Puserman became Rob Deer.”

“I bet you didn’t realized your history teacher Mr. Gross & science teacher Mr. Hairston moonlighted as major league pinch hitters in their spare time.”
Aside from being studious looking ballplayers who wore glasses, Greg Gross and Jerry Hairston also had a few other similarities.  Gross and Hairston were two of the most prolific pinch hitters during their careers which, coincidentally, each spanned from 1973 to 1989.  In fact, Gross ranks fifth all-time with 143 pinch hits while Hairston collected 90 in his career.  Both Gross and Hairston were patient hitters which enabled them to post solid career OBP marks of .372 and .362, respectively.  However, another similarity they shared was their lack of longball power as each were well into their careers before they finally hit their first major league home runs.  Indeed, it took Gross 1891 plate appearances before his initial round-tripper in 1977.  Hairston also homered for the first time during the 1977 season, with his long overdue blast coming on his 833rd trip to the plate.  After finally leaving the yard, Gross continued to be one of the game’s least prolific home run hitters—adding just 6 more over the remaining 2,464 plate appearances of his career.  By contrast, Hairston developed more power, hitting 29 homers in the 1,190 plate appearances after his first longball.

“Presidential candidates such as Bill Clinton and George Bush jogging in short shorts to prove they were in shape was a recurring theme of the 1992 race.  What looks like a Spring Training workout or an outtake from a Slim-Fast commercial is actually Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tom Lasorda preparing Gary Carter, Kevin Gross, John Candelaria, and Orel Hershiser to be part of his secret service detail.  Fortunately, Lasorda put his presidential aspirations on hold and thus spared us the sight of seeing him in short shorts.”

“Alright boys and girls, it’s trivia time:
Jerry Don Gleaton is the name of:
A. The gunman in a failed assassination attempt on Mr. Belvedere
B. The owner and spokesman of Jerry Don Gleaton Chevrolet—Your Number One Chevy Dealer in the Tri-County Area!
C. A middle reliever who wore his pants a little too high
D. The name of the serial killer in a never before released film starring Bob Saget
E. All of the above
The correct answer is....
C!....or actually it could be E, I can’t be 100% sure.  Ya know, on second thought I think Gleaton may also be a math teacher at the same school as Greg Gross and Jerry Hairston.”

“The photographer who took this unflattering picture of Sonny Siebert later became one of those paparazzi photographers who waits in the airport to take candid shots of celebrities as they come back from a 5am red-eye flight.  His career was going well until a crazed Alec Baldwin tackled him through a Dippin’ Dots stand.”

“Hey Brock, you run like you got a piano on your back!”
“McCarver! Tell your Mom to quit calling me!!!”
“Boyer! What’s wrong?!? Did ya crack your uterus again?!?”
Back in the 1960’s, managerial searches were sometimes conducted by scouring the stands for the loudest, most obnoxious heckler.  For the St. Louis Cardinals, this strategy worked as Johnny Keane led the club to an unlikely World Series victory over the powerhouse New York Yankees in 1964.

“When the director of Jurassic Park decided against having live actors play Tyrannous Rex and other dinosaurs, Jim Roland’s acting career came to an abrupt end.”

----by John Tuberty

Follow my blog on the Twitter @BloggerTubbs

Sources:  Baseball Reference

Additional Cards Used:  Rod Carew 1984 Topps AL Active Career Hit Leaders & 1984 Topps AL Active Career Batting Leaders; Bryce Harper 2013 Topps & 2015 Topps Stadium Club; Greg Gross 1989 Fleer, 1985 Topps, & 1988 Topps; Jerry Hairston 1983 Donruss, 1986 Fleer, & 1988 Topps

More Articles from the Funny Baseball Cards and Silly Captions Series:

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